I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
You Might Also Like
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.