*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
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Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.