Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Always.
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
my astrological sign is a french fry