Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace