if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
mood
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.