I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*