Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
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I’m having an out of money experience.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.