“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
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i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.