I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I love twitter
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
me logging onto twitter
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.