My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
no such thing as a dumb question
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
are they though??
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.