son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Time heals everything 🙂
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.