coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
me
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked