Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
You Might Also Like
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.