my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes