[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[approaching a person with a service dog who鈥檚 wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[ going out ]
wife: you鈥檙e wearing that?
me: i guess not
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can鈥檛 find it for some reason..
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: So, let me get this straight. It鈥檚 cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it鈥檚 embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
馃幎 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 馃幎
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
What the dentist sees
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Ok but actually
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
If you鈥檙e worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.