At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.