Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Wish the trash would take me out for once.