Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?