Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
reviewed some movies recently
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment