i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
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seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.