Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
handsome & gretel
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.