my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure