I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice