Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
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Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.