I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
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Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
kevin is now a local weatherman
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.