“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Time for evil
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*