“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Hot Hot Hot
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.