Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average