“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly