Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Interior design 👌
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking