America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.