“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”