The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.