Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
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Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.