My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.