Practicing safe sax
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Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.