[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is