I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
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A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.