IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
A classic…
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.