god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”