I think about this a lot
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
This line from Airplane.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]