My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The answer is funnier than the question