“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.