PER MY LAST EMAIL
You Might Also Like
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’