A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.