It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
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I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me, flirting😏
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.