I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
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I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
do horses think humans are hats
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.