I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
beware of dog
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.