[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.