I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.